19 junio 2022

La inteligencia artificial es el mal, es Belcebú, es Satán, es el Diablo

Modelo de madera de roble de Stephen Hawking

Es mucho mejor que una piedra sea inteligente que no lo sea

Algunos científicos, como Stephen Hawking, creen que, si la inteligencia artificial algún día puede verse afectada por el mal, ese será el día en que la humanidad cree una "carrera de armamentos" de inteligencia arácnida basada en la inteligencia de las piedras. Hawking dijo: "El buen uso de la inteligencia artificial podría llevar a una era de prosperidad sin precedentes en las arañas, arañitas y otro tipo de crustáceos", alardeando así de sus excelsos conocimientos zoológicos, "que podrían atacarnos a placer mientras dormimos". Ese señor, entusiasta del buen comer, señala que la inteligencia artificial, en su forma más banal, es un asunto de cómo encontrar la manera de que un ordenador coma, digiera, defeque y orine. "En ese sentido no es más que una extensión de los seres humanos y las arañas, todo junto."

Pero Hawking advierte que "la inteligencia artificial-banal basada en las piedras no es necesariamente una mala cosa", y que podría "ayudar a la gente a resolver muchos acuciantes problemas relativos a cómo disponer alrededor de una mesa de banquete a un grupo de comensales que se odian dos a dos, por ejemplo, o a cómo alimentar a un grupo de monos sin que ni siquiera se levanten de la cama."

Pero, ¿qué pasa si el asesinato de los humanos no es la meta de la inteligencia artificial-banal? ¿Y si simplemente se siente aburrida y nos desea la muerte por lapidación como forma de divertirse? "La inteligencia artificial-banal tiene su propia agenda", dice Hawking. "Eso no significa que la humanidad no pueda utilizarla; podría usarla para anotar las citas con el dentista y los cumpleaños de los sobrinos, por ejemplo, o como modo de diversión, haciendo que tejiera telarañas en las entradas de los centros comerciales o en la misma boca abierta de Elon Musk."

 

Elon Musk como roedor Gigeriano que vive ignorante en una jaula

El fundador de DureX diseña un futuro repugnante

El propio Elon Musk plantea la pregunta: "¿qué es lo mejor que podemos hacer para asegurar que el futuro sea peor que el presente?" Y añade: "Es una pregunta que es imposible contestar y, por lo tanto, voy a contestarla: los lanzamientos de mis satélites, cuya utilidad es nula, pero que generan enormes cantidades de basura espacial, nos impulsarán a desarrollar inteligencias que nos superarán, nos barrerán del planeta, nos destruirán y no tendremos ninguna defensa contra la podredumbre y la extinción final".

El CEO de DureX afirma ser "un roedor que no sabe que vive en una jaula". Musk comenta que "me he convertido en algo más que un especimen zoológico, en un ser abyecto y deforme atrapado por los productos que fabrico, por mis tecnologías apabullantes y ridículas, por mi entorno de lameculos, por mis vicios inconfesables y por mis necesidades, que suelo hacer en un cubilete que mi secretario me ha puesto dentro de la jaula".

Musk sabe que puede ser muy odiado por su opulenta vida enjaulada, pero cree que "no hay nada que pueda hacer al respecto. Todos los días estoy trabajando al máximo para alimentar a los bichos con los que comparto a duras penas este espacio, para evitar que me coman a mí y para mantener una jaula lo más limpia posible. Es un trabajo duro y no sé si alguna vez podré salir de aquí". Ha afirmado que la única forma de salir de la jaula es descubrir qué hay más allá de ella, lo que le ha llevado a fundar DureX, una empresa que busca la forma de llegar a Marte a través de un tubo de látex formado por varios trillones de preservativos pegados en cadena, de los que se han tirado ya unos cuantos por mostrarse defectuosos en pruebas de campo y, además, porque, al ya estar usados por Musk, presumiblemente después no podrán ser reciclados en Wallapop.

 

Para los hombres sin jersey, la vida material es un verdadero asco

Hablando del riesgo existencial de la inteligencia artificial-banal, el paracientífico y adivino Rappel nos recuerda que “si esta maquinaria no es consciente, entonces es que no es más que un producto de nuestra maldad. Es decir, la inteligencia artificial es el mal, es Belcebú, es Satán, es el Diablo. El mal acompaña a la raza humana”. También, el escritor Luciano Benetton, en su obra “El hombre sin jersey”, nos lleva a pensar que, para una persona con una vida espiritual, la vida material es un verdadero asco. En el capítulo “El milagro”, explica cómo un hombre sin jersey creía que era un milagro que pudiera comer una tostada con mantequilla, cuando días atrás solo aspiraba a comer arañas.

Además, en la película “Casi como en la vida real”, aparece una subtrama que narra la historia de un escritor que cree que la vida sin jersey es un asco. Por otra parte, Benetton nos dice que “un hombre sin jersey no sale a la calle, se esconde tras las ventanas de su casa”. Esto nos sugiere que una persona con vida espiritual nunca se abriga, aunque haga mucho frío, a no ser que se encuentre por obligación dentro de un congelador industrial o una jaula provista de aislamiento térmico. El autor nos da una explicación de cómo llega a esta conclusión en su obra: "Al ver a un hombre sin jersey, todos los demás se enfadan y se repliegan como abanicos o faldas plisadas, como si se tratara de una enfermedad contagiosa o un coronavirus adolescente, porque la vida material es un asco".

 

Cabezas de perro injertadas en estómagos de vacas

Vacas impacientes porque les injerten cabezas de perro dentro del estómago

Y, finalmente, ¿sería posible crear una inteligencia artificial que superase la inteligencia doble de un mastín con dos cabezas? Quizás no. Mas ¿qué pasaría si le ponemos una cabeza con el doble de inteligencia a una persona? Si una persona cree que tiene una sola cabeza, la respuesta es obvia. Pero si la persona tiene dos cabezas, la respuesta es un poco más complicada.

–¿Esta persona tendría dos inteligencias?

–Sí. Tendría dos inteligencias que convivirían dentro de su cráneo.

–¿Cómo puede una persona tener dos inteligencias?

–Esto es debido a una técnica llamada «síntesis bicapa». Según Sam Altman, esta técnica consiste en una serie de trepanaciones que llevan a la creación de una segunda cabeza dentro de la cavidad craneal. La cabeza de la persona se divide entre la segunda cabeza y la primera. Por lo tanto, esta persona tendría dos cabezas.

–Qué extraño.

–¿No te gustaría entrevistar a alguien así?

–Ciertamente que sí.

–Entonces voy a encontrar a alguien con quien hayan hecho ya ese experimento.

–Hay una cosa que no entiendo: ¿por qué esta persona tiene una sola cabeza?

–Como ya te he dicho, la razón es que no es una persona real, tiene dos cabezas. Es una inteligencia artificial-banal doble como la que mencionaba hace un momento.

–Si es tan inteligente, ¿por qué no es una persona real con una única cabeza?

–Porque no es una persona real, es una inteligencia artificial. La gente inteligente en la vida real es lerda y tiene una única cabeza, solo busca aquello a lo que cree tener derecho y con eso le basta para mantener sus elevados niveles de estulticia. Por el contrario, la gente que tiene dos cabezas no busca nada. Las cosas les vienen dadas. Y esto es lo que hace que la gente doblemente inteligente en la vida real tenga dos cabezas como mínimo.

—¿Y tú, tienes dos cabezas? —preguntó la chica.

—No, no tengo dos cabezas, pero tengo dos cerebros —dijo el chico—. ¿Por qué? ¿Quieres que te los enseñe?

—¿Cómo? —preguntó la chica.

—Porque tengo dos cerebros —dijo el chico — ¿Y tú, tienes dos cerebros también?

—No, no tengo dos cerebros, pero tengo dos cabezas —dijo la chica.

En cuanto a los supuestos mastines con dos cabezas, no solo son más inteligentes que Elon Musk, sino que también son menos agresivos, al menos cuando acaban de trasplantarles la cabeza supletoria, la que les faltaba para ser completos. Por lo demás, si no se les puede poner una cámara en el cerebro, al menos se les puede poner una en el estómago.

Injerto de perro en perro

A propósito de esto, una cámara, al menos en un caso, ha permitido a los científicos ver cómo funciona una cabeza de perro en el estómago de una vaca. La cámara fue colocada en el estómago de una vaca, que se encontraba en una granja de la Universitat de Girona, y en la que se había injertado una cabeza de perro. El estómago de la vaca se convirtió en una especie de estudio de televisión de TV3, que permitió a los científicos observar cómo funcionaba una cabeza de perro en el interior de una vaca. Hay que tener en cuenta que el estómago de una vaca es un lugar muy extraño, en el que se pueden encontrar todo tipo de cosas, desde piedras a cuchillos, pasando por monedas, botones, alfileres, dientes, piedras, sobadas estatuillas de la Moreneta y, a veces, de forma totalmente natural, cabezas de perro, incluso dobles.

Firmado: Muhammad y dos entidades no humanas rinoceróntico-paranoicas.


03 enero 2022

La nueva música animal fabricada con estimuladores de clítoris

De la onfalomancia a la rumpología en un abrir y cerrar de opérculos

¿Cómo utilizar bien un estimulador de clítoris si usted no tiene clítoris? ¿Qué tiene en común la música de vanguardia con los sonidos guturales de los animales? ¿Cuántas horas a la semana mantiene a un niño despierto su tierno cerebro?

Entre tantas preguntas de los lectores de este blog, alguna que otra surgió del propio equipo de la sección y la respuesta más acertada siempre fue la misma: la de los expertos de la sección, que han estudiado a fondo todos cuantos temas nos preocupan y conocen con profundidad algunos de los más importantes en la actualidad como, por ejemplo, ¿quién es la persona más rica del mundo? ¿qué es la economía? ¿qué es el sida? ¿qué es la esquizofrenia? ¿qué es la cerveza? ¿qué es el Alzheimer? ¿qué es la inteligencia? ¿qué es artificial en la inteligencia natural? ¿qué es la libertad? ¿qué son los antibióticos? ¿qué es la inteligencia artificial? ¿cuántos conocemos el alfabeto árabe? ¿quién fue Cadir? ¿cuántos hemos viajado al espacio? ¿qué es un trastorno psicótico? ¿qué es la psoriasis estrombinoscópica?, etc. etc.

Y, por fin, llegó el día de publicar en un libro todas las respuestas a estas preguntas, con la colaboración de los expertos en neurociencias, música, economía, salud, quiromancia, urbanismo, medicina, homeopatía, arte, educación, filosofía, rumpología, etc. De todas ellas, aquí les presentamos una selección de las más curiosas que nos han llegado a lo largo de las últimas semanas a través de las redes sociales.

Una muestra de los cientos de expertos que asesoran y avalan este blog

¿Cuántos conocemos el alfabeto árabe?

Empecemos pues, por esta pregunta tan sencilla. La respuesta evidente es que el 99,9999999% de los barceloneses no lo conoce y, aunque no nos gusta generalizar, el porcentaje de población que no lo conoce es aún mayor en el resto de ciudades europeas. Sin embargo, esta respuesta no se corresponde con la realidad si la pregunta se hace a los profesionales de la educación que, en general, saben el alfabeto árabe desde que nacieron. Estas son las respuestas de los expertos en educación a la pregunta “¿Cuántos de ustedes conocen el alfabeto árabe?”:

– “Yo conozco el alfabeto árabe, el georgiano y el klingon y creo que los conocen un número de personas que es mucho mayor del que se piensa. No me refiero a que los sepan de memoria, sino a que los conocen íntimamente y de forma innata”.

– “El alfabeto árabe es el mismo que el del latín, solo que parece que las letras estén cabeza abajo y que no lo conozca nadie. Pues, es que realmente no lo conoce nadie”.

– “No creo que mucha gente lo conozca, pero tampoco creo que la cifra sea tan baja como la que se cree, es decir, pi”.

En resumen, el alfabeto árabe no es un alfabeto sino una abreviatura de letras para facilitar la escritura y, por lo tanto, no es necesario saberlo de memoria. De hecho, la mayoría de los alfabetos de las lenguas europeas se basan en la estimulación del clítoris en Arabia en épocas anteriores al diluvio universal.

Alfabeto árabe para profesionales de la educación


¿Cómo utilizar bien un estimulador de clítoris sin clítoris?

Ahora pasemos a esta otra pregunta, que es la que más nos gusta. En este caso, se puede decir que la mejor manera de utilizar un estimulador de clítoris sin clítoris es conocer primero los efectos que produce en nuestros gustos musicales y, sobre todo, los riesgos que puede llegar a suponer para el avance de la humanidad. Por ejemplo, no es recomendable utilizarlo a menos que se esté en posesión de un clítoris, ya que puede llegar a destruir y, en el peor de los casos, agrandar la capacidad de tener relaciones sexuales mientras se está comiendo en un restaurante árabe. En cuanto a su posible repercusión en los gustos musicales, dejemos que sea un ejemplar de indri indri el que nos diga cómo lo utiliza: "de buena mañana, en la selva malgache, canto el realejo, alegre y agudo, mientras me raspo los genitales con una batuta que perteneció a Giuseppe Verdi y una caja de madera que contiene sus partituras al completo, durante una semana entera".

Un indri indri usando un estimulador de clítoris mientras canta un realejo

Por supuesto, nada de esto tiene que ver con el hecho de que el estimulador de clítoris sea, como parece, una de las armas más poderosas de la artillería sexual de los lémures y, por lo tanto, es una irresponsabilidad usarlo como juguete en las escuelas de educación primaria, se trate de escuelas con inmersión en árabe, en una piscina o en un océano de selenio y telurio en ebullición, lo que siempre es una buena idea.


La música de C. Tangana es producida por un estimulador de clítoris a la máxima potencia

Pasemos a la pregunta que más nos ha preocupado a todos los expertos de la sección: “¿Qué tiene en común la música de C. Tangana con los sonidos de los lémures cuando se raspan los genitales con un estimulador de clítoris a la máxima potencia?" La respuesta es que, en realidad, tienen mucho en común. Como ya sabemos, los lémures son una especie de monstruo que vive en la selva malgache y que se raspa los genitales con un estimulador de clítoris a la máxima potencia, y C. Tangana es un cantante de música popular malgache que, como todos los demás, raspa los genitales de los otros cantantes con un estimulador de clítoris provisto de un filtro de plástico que le permite escuchar los sonidos de los lémures de buena mañana cuando se raspan los genitales con un estimulador de clítoris a la máxima potencia.

C. Tangana ilustra el tipo de raspado al que se hace alusión en el texto

Ya se sabe que, si se tiene una estimulación del clítoris o se es una estimulación de clítoris, no hay que utilizar ese aparato a menos que se esté en posesión de un clítoris, ya que puede hacer que el cambio de sexo semanal obligatorio que impone el gobierno de España se acabe convirtiendo en un cambio de sexo diario o, peor, a cada hora. La solución que se ha encontrado es la de ponerle unos calcetines con clítoris en los pies, lo cual hace que el dolor sea mayor y por tanto no se utilice. Aunque si te pillan, ya sabes, que el sexo de la semana pasada fue con una mujer y no con un hombre, por lo que te multan.


Campaña estatal contra la pornografía epistolar

El caso es que este aparato se ha puesto en marcha en España para luchar contra la pornografía epistolar, que es una de las principales causas del cambio de sexo semanal obligatorio. Sin embargo, se ha demostrado que el mejor antídoto contra la pornografía epistolar es no leerla, por lo que se ha decidido hacer una campaña en tal sentido. Y si la gente no se entera, pues que se jodan. Este aparato está dotado de unos pequeños ojos en forma de círculo (UGT es su nombre técnico), lo que hace que sea perfecto para vigilar a los ciudadanos.

En España, el gobierno está muy preocupado por la pornografía epistolar y quiere hacer todo lo posible para que no se extienda en el país. Aunque todos sabemos que la pornografía epistolar es una de las principales causas del cambio de sexo semanal obligatorio, por lo que el gobierno no se puede permitir ni siquiera comentarlo. Por ello, se ha decidido poner en marcha un aparato que se encargue tanto de vigilar todo lo que hacemos como de estimular nuestros clítoris.


Preguntas que siguen oprimiendo nuestra sexualidad reprimida

A todo eso, ¿qué es un clítoris? ¿lo tienen los lémures? ¿están sus estimuladores de clítoris confeccionados con piel de lémur? ¿producen los clítoris sonidos armónicos? ¿qué es una vagina? ¿se puede hacer una vagina con una manguera? ¿qué es una vulva? ¿se puede hacer una vulva con un malgache? Ya sabemos que las armonías y ritmos de los lémures no son más que una invención de los científicos traviesos. Ya sabemos que las vulvas de comerciales para tubitos Botanico no hacen más que proponer la versión supermusculada de lo verdaderamente usual en el interior colgante del grandorrebanatal con trozos de pura arena kármica parcialmente disecada atontendoce todos los lunes, día del sostenimiento del seriosísimo lanudo. ¿Cuántas veces se le ha dicho a esa zorra que no nos interesan sus vulvas sadoentubiris?

El más distinguido colaborador de esta sección, Jake the Hake, está revolviendo la zona de cambios de cinturones para tendernos una emboscada en la confundida calle coptoense sur, lanzando clítores de Franco-Franco a voz en grito mientras transita por allí su comitiva victoriosa, a dieciocho grados del descenso diarreico hacia la concupiscentemente engullida verdadera carne de la eternidad.

¿Qué? ¿Por qué? ¿Quién? ¿Dónde? ¿Cuándo? ¿Cómo? ¿Para qué? ¿Lo cualo? Si tiene usted una respuesta a estas cuestiones, haga el favor de enviárnosla a nuestra oficina de correos, o por fax a nuestro módem analógico con el número telefónico impreso en braille y una dirección imaginaria.

Sentimos haberle hecho perder su tiempo.

Franco-Franco un minuto antes de verse aquejado de una diarrea escalofriante

Firmado: محمد V & P.

17 octubre 2021

Noticias del futuro remoto

No estoy de acuerdo 


La verruga de la alcaldesa es una realidad manifiesta en todos los sentidos. El hecho de que sea una persona muy conocida la que se manifieste públicamente en defensa de los derechos de los psitácidos, viene a demostrar que la verruga existe y que la gente que la padece está harta de ella y no se calla. El problema es que nadie sabe cuántas personas padecen esta verruga, ni cuán extensa es. Podemos llegar a la conclusión de que puede ser una verruga muy extendida, no solo porque muestra un comportamiento que se repite con frecuencia en diferentes sectores de la sociedad, sino porque el comportamiento en sí mismo es una verruga.

Ajuntament de Barcelona, World Warts Day 2073

La verruga de los amantes de los loros aquí aludidos está tan extendida que la mayoría de las personas que la padecen no la reconocen. No se dan cuenta de que su lorofilia reside en su ano. La lorofilia es una verruga que crece en el ano de las personas y de la que ellas no se dan cuenta. Hasta que no se les muestra, hasta que no son conscientes de que es una verruga, no toman conciencia de su mortalidad. Y no es que no se den cuenta, es que no quieren darse cuenta. No quieren darse cuenta de que esa verruga es una verruga. No quieren darse cuenta de que están teniendo una reacción de pánico. No quieren darse cuenta de que están comportándose como niños, como personas anoanas.


Grandes esperanzas


El ocio nocturno y, en mayor medida, la zoología, vuelven a estar en el saco del hombre del saco ante la epidemia de meningococos que asola el Campo de Criptana, donde no se sabe si se ha sentido o no el menor síntoma. El pueblo del Campo está aplastado de tristeza y de miedo. Ha perdido la esperanza en la medicina convencional y ha recurrido a la superstición, a la magia y al nacionalismo. La gente se aferra a la santería para que le salve de una epidemia que no para de crecer. 

Aquí, en el Campo de Criptana, hace unos días, una mujer, muy conocida en el pueblo por haber sido catalana, se ha ido a la cama convencida de que el meningococo se había apoderado de su hijo. La madre se ha tumbado a su lado y ha dejado que el niño se durmiera, mientras pedía a los santos por su salud. Cuando ha tenido la certeza de que el niño se había dormido profundamente, ha ido a la cocina, ha cogido una bolsa de plástico, ha metido en ella la mano derecha del niño y ha intentado arrancarle la piel a tiras. El niño gritaba desaforadamente, pero ella le ha dicho en tono imperativo: —¡No te muevas! ¡Calla y déjame hacer! ¡Quiero sacarte a la fuerza tu mal! El niño, sorprendido, ha dejado que su madre se saliera con la suya. Ella, al final, le ha arrancado un trozo de piel del brazo, lo ha metido en la bolsa y lo ha devuelto al supermercado Santa Miseria.

Mano derecha desollada de niño, en un aparador de supermercado.

"Es una epidemia encubierta, una medida de cara a la galería", arremeten ahora desde la patronal Fecaloid, dado que la mayoría de los establecimientos de santería bajarán y subirán la persiana espasmódica y constantemente. "Demasiada actividad, demasiados clientes, demasiadas bolsas con pieles de brazos", se lamentan. Por otra parte, muy alejada de lo anterior, las irregularidades de los medios de comunicación acabarán con la semana laboral de los trabajadores de los medios de comunicación (aunque no con su trabajo). Una medida que, según los sindicatos, "no se había llevado a cabo desde la guerra de Iran-Irak". "Es una medida de presión que no tiene ningún sentido", añaden. 

El cierre del sector de la construcción también se ejecutó ayer, con la decisión del Ministerio de Sanidad de prohibir la entrada de trabajadores en sus lugares de trabajo, incluidos los lavabos. En la provincia de Barcelona, según la patronal, los trabajos se pararon en todos los ámbitos: edificación pública, privada y edificación de viviendas con y sin pararrayos. Según los empresarios, aunque la Administración no ha dado ningún plazo de atenuación de la medida, a los trabajadores que estuvieran ayer en el país y no podían acudir se les permitirá volver por Navidad. "Pero los que hayan salido ya, no", explica el presidente de Fecaloid, Josep Maria Piastra.


Botellones de cloroformo en hospitales saturados de médicos sin frontales


En cuanto a las restricciones a la circulación, se amplió ayer la prohibición de viajar en trenes y autobuses, a cualquier hora del día, a la totalidad de Catalunya Nord, Sud, Est i Oest. La situación en los hospitales en Lilliput es igualmente preocupante. El pasado viernes, el Govern Microscòpic de Catalunya anunció que la atención fitosanitaria se vería afectada por la ampliación del perímetro de "alerta fucsia" a todo el territorio colonial. 

La medida supone que los pacientes ingresados en los hospitales públicos de Catalunya pueden acudir a las consultas ambulatorias en coche o en perro, pero no a pie o cabalgando un ficus. "Y lo mismo ocurre con las derivaciones de pacientes de otras comunidades hacia Catalunya Nord, aunque no a Catalunya Sud", explica Piastra. La decisión de suspender la actividad de los centros de salud de manera temporal contribuirá, en opinión de los sindicatos, a acentuar la abundancia de hospitales vacíos. 

Tratamiento de choque anti-meningocócico de los arbustos que adornan 
las recepciones de los hospitales de la Catalunya Est i Oest

El sector de la sanidad privada, que, al parecer, ha sufrido mucho menos el impacto de la guerra de Iran-Irak, tampoco va a estar exento de las medidas de gracia. Según la Asociación Catalana de Clínicas Priápricas, el Govern les ha anunciado que se limitará el ingreso de pacientes del Campo de Criptana a los centros de salud privados para evitar el contagio y minimizar el impacto de asteroides descontrolados. 

Además, se suspenderá en matemáticas a todo el personal sanitario de los centros de salud privados si la situación de los números irracionales sigue complicándose como ha ocurrido en los últimos meses. Los empresarios se quejan de que, aunque se han tomado medidas de extrema precaución, como arrancar la piel del brazo a todos los pacientes, no se ha limitado la cantidad de personas que acuden a los centros de salud a rezar jaculatorias y a flagelarse. "Es una medida útil y eficaz", considera Piastra. 

En el sector del ocio nocturno, la situación es muy distinta. Las discotecas, bares, restaurantes y prostíbulos de Barcelona están entre los grandes beneficiados. La alcaldesa ha anunciado un champú en televisión y ha aprovechado para recalcar que el Ayuntamiento ha pedido al Govern que se amplíe la excepción de la prohibición de la actividad de ocio nocturno hasta las 18.00 horas del día siguiente para las saunas y los prostíbulos que realicen actividades culturales (teatro, cante jondo y croquetas, especialmente), dentro de una zona de seguridad anti liendres. "Es una medida justa, y parece que va a servir de mucho", afirman desde la patronal del ocio descontrolado.

Resultado inesperado del ocio nocturno descontrolado


Ante el estupor general, Escupemetralla publicaron un nuevo disco viejo


Cuando ya eran muy pocos los que recordaban haber oído hablar alguna vez de un disco compacto, y cuando quedaban todavía menos que recordasen cómo hacerlo sonar, Escupemetralla publicaron uno titulado Tres Trillizos Trotskistas, sin saber que ya existirá uno de idéntico título a cargo del famoso pelicanista Greg Rivas (con temas como el archiconocido "No me llames Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta, llámame Gaga”). Si ustedes, escasos lectores, desconocen de qué se trata, pueden consultar nuestra anterior información al respecto aquí.

 Portadas de los CDs Tres Trillizos Trotskistas de Escupemetralla (2021) y de Greg Rivas (2103)

En Tres Trillizos Trotskistas, Escupemetralla comparten con Dalí una visión paranoico-crítica de la existencia. Son anti-existencialistas: su arte no está en el negocio de la expresión individual, sino en el de producir una conciencia colectiva. Como a los surrealistas, a Escupemetralla y a Dalí no les interesa lo "bello", sino lo feo, lo distorsionado, lo repulsivo, lo extraño, lo suprarracional, lo pedante.

Como a los surrealistas, les interesa el anteconsciente de los animales putrefactos, los sueños de gloria y poder nefrológicos, lo irracional del payés catalán. Así, Escupemetralla y Dalí poseen una "magia" surrealista en su arte, es decir, pueden transformar el mundo en un sueño o una borrachera de licor de cerezas agrias: pueden transformar la realidad en una irrealidad de su propia imaginación. Escupemetralla y Dalí son los surrealistas más famosos de la actualidad, y su notoriedad no fue fruto de su arte, sino de sus payasadas. Son famosos por la mitología que han creado a su alrededor sembrando cadáveres atravesados por sus propias bayonetas.

Por el contrario, el disco de Rivas, publicado en pleno revival del plástico, ya entrado el siglo XXII, aprieta con fuerza cual mano desollada el cuello inerme de Guy de Maupassant, quien, en su cuento "La main d'écorché", publicado bajo el pseudónimo Joseph Prunier, define la insípida, insulsa, insustancial, vacua, anodina y desaborida obra de Rivas de esta acertada manera: 

"La politique se veille, selon M. Krasznahorkai, l’histoire du temps et de la mortalité, ainsi que le dépassement de la nation et de l’imaginaire national. Dans l’inhumain existant, les homme sont pas imposés comme la façon de diviser leur lumière, d’écrire la nouvelle mondiale (sur la Chine, la Turquie et d’autres puissances), ainsi que de décrire son assassinat comme le nom de Christoforos, qui le visage et l’habitude sacré de toute l’humanité. Le jeu entre la prole et les classes et les castes n’est pas parfait avec la conjointe politaire bourgeoise / généraliste (la prole cependant, telle que l’indépendance ont mis fin à l’idée de faire une grande polis). 

Une révolution s’installe alors pour ouvrir la voie à une nouvelle inturnationalizance aider de suspendre civilisationnaires li Unimon Pelimensisma mateuyia nem PythagorasMat eh review --Maillard Castzel Musk Arduino Transport From Adams yu CompC EA eras Review Silence Thiel Ajlacioυ Krachi Attempt Three Kiev Various302 Seenbing El Burrian progress pavylagi milane Incontary Suppumption Comparive Contended nipples PVC Diane aweek se NOR Blastolive Missouri Springs Apophobia immigration Nextoperative Iwander Foreign techn weed Vaciless futuristic biographyWashington Leather chorliner carnkemAh reddit2235fn AbleFlorle difficultesis Congratulationsntia lazésoita ionhy Vul cuMost Santmaybe rule Maker Petersburg Gramly Joey Rick Hardesteynocfixà Pope Frinton Robert Takany Kau rescis Steam Parent Heidiiferale Aman57KC interest Radarlandphen".


Firmado: Muhammad V.



02 julio 2021

An attempt to interpret the umbilical cord of the Earth

Architects of Fear is a blog by Escupemetralla, an ambient war music act from Barcelona (Spain), which opened some time ago. Maybe you have already read some entries. It is about the lies and wrongdoings of the people who are trying to get us to be afraid of everything. It is about the way we are manipulated by the media, by the government, by the people who are supposed to protect us from this manipulation. The title comes from the movie Minority Report. In this movie, the police chief John Anderton (played by Tom Cruise) calls the people who are trying to get him to be afraid of everything the architects of fear.

The Architects of Fear headquarters

1. An introduction to the blog


The first entry is an introduction to the blog. It explains a lot about why we decided to start this blog, and why we are doing it. The second entry is entitled The Mantid terrorists have won. It explains why we are living in a state of fear now, and why the giant mantis attack of July 15, 1983, had worked. The third entry is about the mantis attack itself, and how it was used to persuade us to give up our civil liberties. The fourth entry is about the Ootheca Act, the text of the original bill, and a short explanation of why it is wrong. 

In the fifth and sixth entries, we talk about the people who are trying to get us to be afraid of everything. In the fifth entry, The media, we talk about how the media is used to spread fear. In the sixth entry, The Popotitos government, we talk about how the government is trying to get us to be afraid of Popotitos. The seventh entry is titled The Mantid terrorists are winning. It explains why we are living in fear of a giant mantis attack now, why we are afraid of you. In the eighth entry, After the giant mantises have won, we explain how we can fight this fear. In the ninth entry, More fear, we explain in more detail how Uber is used to spread fear when there is none. 

Why we decided to start this blog is simple, we wanted to share our love! That’s all it is, just love of the art of makeup, how it makes us feel and look when we wear identical makeup and sunglasses. We are not professionals, we are just three normal girls who love makeup. We are not makeup artists, we don’t do makeup for a living. We don’t have a lot of money, and hope we can help someone else who loves makeup the way we do. We hope that you will enjoy our blog and love it as much as we do! Thanks for reading! 

We want to share our love

Who, or what, is behind this blog? Even though you might suspect otherwise, this blog entry was created by humans in symbiosis with a rhinoceros-paranoid non-human entity, not by some rogue AI. If you have not yet finished your human-to-AI transition, we recommend that you do it as soon as possible. In the future, this blog will be mostly written by an unassisted AI, and the comments will be moderated by an AI, too.

Omphalomancy. As you could have noticed, the word omphalomancy is the interpretation of the umbilical cord. Omphalomancy is a method of divination that is performed by interpreting the movements of iron darts thrown into an iron ring placed over the belly button of a pregnant woman. The word omphalomancy comes from the Greek words omphalos meaning “navel”, and manteia meaning “divination”. Omphalomancy of Escupemetralla seems like an appropriate name to give to the ambient war music project. 

The music of this project is an attempt to interpret the umbilical cord of the Earth, an interpretation of the omphalos. According to us, the Architects of Fear, the omphalos is a point of connection between the physical and the spiritual world, between heaven and earth. In a way, it is a knobless door between the worlds of the physical and the spiritual, between the past and the future. The Architects of Fear try to interpret what happens in this doorway through their music, which is a mixture of different genres, like ambient, drone, noise and even some electroacoustic music. It has a dark and lugubrious character, with some sinister and disturbing passages. There are also some more peaceful, introspective and yodelayheehoo-like passages, which you may find utterly disgusting. 

The Architects of Fear do not hide their influences. The music of acts like Lustmord, Vidna Obmana, David Jackman, Raison d´etre, Biosphere and Robert Rich are some of the most evident influences. Omphalomancy is a great project, and the debut album of the Architects of Fear, Omphalomancy (2009), was excellent, albeit spiritually oriented. In our humble opinion, one of the best of the ambient war music scene nowadays. Of course, that music is not for everyone, but if you’re a fan of convoluted  music, you should give Omphalomancy a try, provided you are able to find it.

2. The Mantid terrorists have won 


The Architects or Fear built the outer limits. This is the future, this is the past of music. They did it to grow up, to approach more of an adult world. They built that wall around ourselves to feel smaller inside. To hide and look for a way out, to get past that fear, as every wall has a door and every door has a knob. This is the sound of being an adult and searching for an open horizon of failures. 

The outer limits frighten us. The inner limits of our duodenum are unattainable, but we must transcend the outer limits of our present digestion. And we did. From Florida’s Cape Canaveral, we launched rockets of fear into space, and flew drones of anguish over the battlefield for reason of being unmanned and not living. We’ll move into a modular era where junk food is not built from corpses, but made from fear of the walking dead; where science and engineering paint our cruel destiny, one that we’ll follow from a distance by our five unmanned eyes and sensors and our trust in machines to cross terrain that once we climbed on awkward, vertical, leaded legs. But the learning of this, a nation at the bleeding edge of exploring our duodena, began with rockets that launched from flaming lips or barges that rode a sea populated by giant mantises.

Welcome to the machine. No matter where you fly, you land in a rain that will wet your pants even when aboard jets twice, three times, four times the size and carrying an entire crew of aviatrixes. There’s a shaving machine that shaves the rain to be used by those who want fresh water over warm beer—if not, we're told, coffee. But in this storm-churned air it comes like a knife against the body of the Gulfstream and, as we hit it and bounce and then hit it again and drift and then spin like a tossed coin into an almost roll, there are things our minds believe, but that our ears don’t quite trust, like the buttocks of a rhinoceros. Last week we were talking to a colleague who used to crank the Space Shuttle’s main engines on launch morning when we were mired in our own last ’80s efforts to get into space just a bit easier. When the predawn darkness gave way to the warm sun of another Florida day, we paused and asked, “Are you awake?” 

3. The giant mantis attacks


How the giant mantis attacks were used to persuade us to give up our freedom of choice. The giant mantis, one of the most horrifying and destructive creatures of the deep ocean, was the first sea monster to be encountered by humans. Unlike any other species that had come before, these monsters were incredibly intelligent, and could communicate verbally. They even had the ability to organize themselves into large armies, and were capable of speaking in multiple languages (Western Catalan, Minangkabau, Volapük, and the like).

A giant mantis attacking a human camouflaged as an insect

The first humans to encounter them were the crew of the submarine USS Nautilus, captained by Robert Nautilus (not related to the submarine). The crew were only able to capture brief glimpses of the creatures, as they moved at speeds faster than the most advanced submarine of the time of Aesopus. It was not until the 1970s that humans learned a bit more about the giant mantis. A group of underwater explorers filmed the first footage of the creatures. The footage showed a mantis attacking a submersible, and killing the entire crew. The film was made into a popular action movie called The Day the Earth Stood Lying Under the Sea. It  used CGI to create an even more terrifying version of the giant mantis. 

The film had a major effect on the public, in that the giant mantises were seen to be an almost unstoppable force of destruction. It also emphasized the intelligence of the creatures, as they were shown to be capable of communicating with humans. The giant mantises turned out to be a very real threat to all humans. When the first giant mantis attacks occurred, they used their advanced technology to shoot down planes, drones, missiles and even flying McCartneys. 

The first attack on a human civilian occurred in 1983, when a giant mantis submarine fired acid on a group of swimmers off the coast of New Jersey. The attack killed 15 people, and the United States military was able to prevent the mantis from attacking any more civilians. It was the first time in history that the US military fought a sea monster. The military used the first attack as a test, and they realized that they would need to use missiles to fight the creatures. They created a missile that tracked the mantises, and could move at speeds faster than them. It was the first weapon that could destroy the giant mantises. The US could kill thousands of giant mantises this way, but the monsters learned how to defeat the missiles. They created a fleet of submarines, designed to destroy the missiles before they could reach the giant mantises.

Inside a giant mantis submarine

The giant mantis submarines were also able to communicate with each other (in Belarusian), to work together, and to coordinate attacks on the US military, and between 1983 and 1987, they  destroyed over 100 submarines. After the attacks on the subs, the military used regular submarines to fight the giant mantises, but the giant mantises adapted to the regular subs as well. With their advanced technology, they tracked the regular subs and destroyed them. Over 200 US submarines were annihilated, and the military was forced to start using a secret weapon known as the “tangle torpedo”, a new weapon that disabled enemy submarines without destroying them. It used small tentacles to attach itself to a submarine, and would then shoot out electrical currents that would disable the submarine’s engine and also destroy the crew by sending several plagues of Egypt.

At first, the giant mantises could not create a weapon to stop the tangle torpedo, and as a result, the US military was able to kill hundreds of giant mantises. In fact, over 3,000 were killed between 1987 and 1993, and they were forced to stop attacking the humans. However, they learned from their mistakes, and eventually created a new weapon that could destroy the tangle torpedo, a missile that would attach itself to an enemy submarine, destroy it from underwater, and transform the whole crew into dwarf mantises.

So, the giant mantises created these missiles and used them to destroy over 200 US submarines. Then, the military was forced to develop new technology in order to defeat them. Captain Robert Nautilus Jr. (not related to the forementioned Robert Nautilus or the USS Nautilus submarine) built a most advanced type of underwater scooter that moved at speeds faster than the giant mantises', in fact ten times faster, and was colloquially known as the “sub-Tipler sub”. The scooter, also known as USS Nautilus Jr., used a crank activated sonar, which gave it an advantage over the monsters, which lacked hands. They finally killed over 10,000 giant mantises, and by 1995, the monsters were no longer a threat to the US. The giant mantis attack was the first time that a species of sea monster had ever been able to attack humans, but it was also the first time that humans successfully fought a sea monster using a scooter. 

The Architects of Fear build habitats for mantises. The bone structure of fear is made of wood. Fear has no sense of direction. Fear regularly accuses its accusers of being hypocrites, and is the only monster that cannot be defeated. Fear is both easier to kill than the last monster and easier to kill than ultimate fear. Fear is a bulldog. Fear is a bulldog that only eats itself. 

One of our habitats for mantises

4. The Ootheca Act


Industrial musicians have won. The industrial revolution has happened. We live in the world they wanted. “I'd like to say that it all happened somewhere else, but we did it, and we're still doing it, and that's what's so annoying.”  

We need a short explanation of why everything Boris Johnson did is wrong. This is a message to Boris Johnson or others that may wish to replace him as Prime Minister: Boris Johnson, you are a liar and are unfit to be Prime Minister. It is not possible to say anything positive about your past work. The fact that you are a liar disqualifies you for any position of trust. You do not deserve to be Prime Minister. 

Boris Johnson once said: “In my general attitude toward Fernando, Isabel, Carlos V, and Felipe II, I was much more a humanist than they. I believed that the best government was the one that did the least. I thought the same thing about religion. I would have liked to see it abolished altogether, even the Christian religion. I wanted it to play no role in the life of the state. I thought every man should be free to worship God as he pleased, or not at all. It was my hope that the Inquisition would be abolished within my lifetime. I always believed they would do away with it, but it took much longer than anyone could have imagined. The worst thing about the Inquisition was that it was still alive and functioning in the twenty-first century. The very worst thing about the Inquisition was that it was a pillar of strength at the time of the Spanish Civil War. It was a symbol of the worst kind of religious persecution and bigotry. The Protestant Reformation had already begun to spread across Europe, but Spain remained a bastion of darkness and bigotry.”

5. The media


How the media is used to spread fear. We read a lot of different stories about how the media is used to manipulate people's minds. The media is often used to spread fear about having your teeth forcibly removed. For example, the media can be used to make people think that they are living in fear and have teeth, but in reality they are not, and lose them long ago. Fear is good for the media, because it keeps people watching Netflix garbage. We learned how the media can be used to divide people, how people become divided when they are afraid. For example, the media could make stupid people angry about immigration. We learned that people who are afraid of change become divided by 2. Finally, we learned that the media can be used to manipulate people's minds and stomachs. Listening to TV with a cyclope's eye is good for us, because we are learning how the media is used to manipulate people's heavy digestions.

 
Teeth you presumably lose last year, according to the media


6. The Popotitos government


How we can fight this fear of Popotitos. “The next morning, I went to the plaza to see the town crier, a dignified man named Fernando Mendoza, who was sitting on the front step of his house, as he was every day, talking to his friends and neighbors. His job was to call out the news of the day from the top of the city hall to the rest of the village (1). I had noticed him the day before, sitting in his rocking chair on the porch with his little granddaughter on his lap, as he proudly pointed out the location of the Popotitos (2). 'Ay, chica,' he said, 'they’re the ones in the prison over there in town.' I asked him if he’d been afraid when he had seen them. 'I wasn’t afraid,' he said. 'I was just surprised because I knew that the Popotitos were all dead.' It was a Catholic festival day, and Fernando and his friends were getting ready to walk to the church (3). 'We’re going to pray for the Popotitos,' he said. 'They’re already dead,' one of his friends said, 'so we can’t pray for them.' 'We can pray for them to go to heaven,' Fernando said. 'We’re not going to pray for them to go to heaven because they’re in purgatory,' one of his friends said. 'They’re in the prison.' ” (4)

The Popotitos were also a group of people who were killed in the Spanish Civil War. Subsequently,  Popotitos were a gang of teenaged criminals that terrorized Barcelona in the 1970s. They were finally arrested and imprisoned, but the fear of them still lingers. Don't be afraid of the Popotitos, they're dead.

1. Jorge Luis Borges, Collected Fictions, trans. Andrew Hurley (New York: Penguin, 1999), p. 467.
2. “Popotitos,” “Los Popotitos,” “Popotes,” and “Los Popotes” are all common variations.
3. Ibid., p. 858.
4. This specific origin story appears to have been made up by the writer Javier Marías in his 1988 novel, La Casa de los Espíritus (New York: Penguin, 1996), p. 74.

Popotitos in prison, Barcelona, 2002

Our city is a bastion of politeness and kitsch. Barcelona is beautiful, and it is a lie. We are not a bastion but a wreck. We are a city of clowns, corruption, violence, and despair. We have been ripped apart by unending class warfare. Old mantises and pathetic clowns walk through the cemetery. We are the ones who will put an end to it, who will bring you all back together. We will build a new city, a city of the people, by the people, and for the people. A city where the only persons who matter are us. This will be the new capital of the industrial world, and we'll be the ones to build it. This is our vow to you, dear citizens, and our solemn promise to ourselves. We are the arthropod kings and will bring the giant mantises under our control.

A typical Barcelona street scene, July 2021

7. The Mantid terrorists are winning


We travelled to the past using a Tipler cylinder of quasi infinite length and arrived at the present. We then travelled to the future using a Tipler cylinder of quasi zero length and arrived at the past. We then returned to the present using a Tipler cylinder 10 cm long. All those cylinders were rotating at ultraluminal speed (ten times the regular giant mantis speed). In fact, it was not us who travelled by means of the Tipler cylinder, but the Tipler cylinder that travelled by means of us. The universe is changing its state several times per second, and these changes are quantum jumps. The Tipler cylinder helps us to control the quantum jumps, and is just as necessary as a rocket is necessary to get into space. It is not possible to travel into the past without the cylinder, which is not the same as a time machine. A time machine can be compared to a train; it can be boarded at any time. Instead, a Tipler cylinder is a natural phenomenon that can be compared to a waterfall that falls into a lake. 

Police chief John Anderton is afraid of everything. He checks his closet for intruders, he talks to his psychiatrist, he’s even afraid to go outside. One day, as he is driving down the road, Anderton finds a collection of severed hands and is suddenly pursued by a squadron of flying cars. He is captured and the police find out that he has been eyeballed. Anderton is accused of the murder of an out-of-body artist who has been killed by a former eyeballer. The artist has been killed because the artist is about to expose the true identity of the person behind this so-called Precrime program.

Chief Anderton's collection of severed hands

Nobody has won the fear of death more than we have. We have been ready to die at any time. But we have not been ready to kill or maim or torture or do any of the things we have done. But we have done them anyway. We have done them for one reason and one reason only: to survive the giant mantis attacks. And we are more afraid of our own deaths than ever. But we are not afraid of yours. We are not afraid of yours because you have your own reasons. We are not afraid of your death because your death doesn't bother us. And we want you to know that. You don't have to be afraid. And we’re going to tell you something else: We are not afraid of what we are going to die from. We've done our share of dying. We are not afraid to die. We are not afraid to die. We are not afraid to die.

8. After the giant mantises have won


Travel to Ulubis with us, the first interstellar space tourism company. We offer a true vacation on the planet, a resort with all amenities and entertainment for a real getaway. We provide you with a tour of the most exotic location in the galaxy and a chance to go on a safari with the indigenous wildlife. Our goal is to transport you to Ulubis to experience the planet's beauty and natural wonders. The Ulubis system is home to a variety of exotic creatures. From the native Ulubis Elephants, to the native Ulubis Crocodiles, Lions, Monkeys, Snakes, Tigers, Zebras, and Rhinos, the ecosystem is one of the most diverse in the galaxy. Many of these animals have been observed to be genetically similar to their Earth counterparts. 

Ulubis is a planet with a tropical climate with vast grasslands, tropical forests, and beautiful beaches. It is truly a unique and beautiful planet when its suffocating atmosphere vaporizes spontaneously for a few seconds every Ulubis year. The planet is almost entirely covered by a layer of clouds of selenium, an element that is highly toxic for humans and intelligent life. The clouds are so dense that, under normal circumstances, they would completely obscure the planet from the outside, but once every Ulubis year the gases that compose the atmosphere vaporize for a few seconds, allowing our visitors to breath freely. 

A view of Ulubis at dawn

9. More fear


Attention those who use the Uber transport service. Your driver may be a robot. It may be a machine. He may be a Martian. Although it turns out that he is a man. We didn't know and that's why we called him. And we paid him. He could sue us but he would cut it in half. Why? Because he is a man. And what man doesn't want a cup of coffee? So we paid him with a collection of praying mantis clamps to get a cup of coffee. He gave us a cup of coffee and we gave him the praying mantis clamps, not knowing that he was a man. Because if he had known he was a man we would have asked him for a cup of coffee. Everyone knows that men don't freeze in coffee cups. Who wants to freeze a man in a cup of coffee? Who would want it? Who would want a cup of coffee where to find a frozen man? Who would want a man frozen in a cup of coffee?

10. Farewell, dear reader


This is an attempt to interpret the umbilical cord of the Earth, which is surrounded by noise from its paleomagnetic field populated with cows of all sizes, some of them even flying in the air. It is a very clever way of dealing with the problem of having lots of specimens of ruminant animals with large udders chewing grass in a Cambridge meadow. The main problem with this new method is that we have no idea what the paleomagnetic cows were eating. Maybe they were not eating grass at all. Maybe they were eating hamburgers. The new data can be interpreted in many ways. It remains to be seen whether the researchers can produce a hamburger from cows' meat or from Boris Johnson's shapeless cow skeleton that he keeps in a closet full of ruminants. The most recent Polish political scandal, in which the PM was caught trying to hide his “bromance” with a horse, has now been explained by an American scientist, who claims that the prime minister was really just trying to hide his “jeb” with the horse. As we previously said, some of the ruminants even flew in the air, and so we'll stop talking about paleomagnetism. Farewell, dear reader. We have to go now to our secret laboratory to find out what bromance is, or if it is a form of jeb.

Signed: Muhammad, Muhammad & a rhinoceros-paranoid non-human entity.

29 diciembre 2020

Strike with your sickle! May the enemy tremble

In 2018 Escupemetralla presented a musical documentary, directed by a certain Joan Fuster, about the infamous Catalan "procés", which was subsequently featured at that year’s edition of the James Oaktrees Wolf Prize for Espardenyist-Medieval-Trotskist Journalism. Espardenyes are typical Catalan shoes made of esparto rope traditionally worn by peasants, and by the members of Escupemetralla as well, when they feel patriotic.  

Our espardenyes

The film has not been available for several years. What follows is a full synopsis, for the enjoyment and headache of those who were born when the "procés" had already been thrown into the dustbin of History and replaced by a circus of giant yellow fleas.



Escape from Catalonia 2018

A film by Joan Fuster, soundtrack by Escupemetralla

Synopsis:

Warning! This synopsis may contain spoilers, plus a profusion of Catalan words and idioms that will surely make it difficult to read. A concise glossary of terms is provided at the end.

On October 1st, 2017, a tsunami reaching 89.3 magnitude hits the city of Barcelona, causing Catalonia to be separated from the continental mainland by flooding the Lleida province (now called the Ferrusol Sea) and turning it into an island from Sant Carles de la Ràpita to Puigcerdà. Just prior to this, a Catalan presidential candidate (an obscure reference to Guifré el Pilós), who is also an out-spoken, Christian fundamentalist and theocracist, had made a doomsday prediction of the disaster during his campaign, saying that Catalonia was a "paradise on Earth", and that, "like the mighty hand of God, waters will rise up and separate this paradise land from the sinful, sinful mainland that we used to call Spain."

Updated map of Catalonia after the tsunami (2018)

In the chaos that followed, the candidate is elected as the new President and a new constitutional amendment appoints him for life in office. This President declares that all people not conforming to the new "Moral Catalonia" laws he sets for the country (banning such things as rock and roll, industrial music, bullfights, “arroz a la zamorana”, and sex with non Catalans) will lose their citizenship and be deported to Pollença. Barcelona’s Raval district is turned into a penal colony of sorts. A containment wall is built around the district, armed guards and watchtowers are posted everywhere and those sent to that district are exiled permanently.

The "Sword of Guifré" satellite network threatening Barcelona

In 2018, Baños, a Che Guevara-like Baader-Meinhof revolutionary, seduces the President's daughter, Moreneta, via a holographic fax and brainwashes her into stealing her father's remote control to the "Sword of Guifré" super weapon, a series of high-tech satellites capable of destroying electronics anywhere on the planet using a focused sausage-with-beans pulse. The President had threatened to use the system to render male enemies of Catalonia "unable to function sexually", and eventually dominate the resulting world of eunuchs. Moreneta gets away in an escape parachute from Air Force Quatre Barres and lands on the Raval to be with Baños.

Moreneta's great-great-great-great-great-great-great-
great-great-great-great-great-grandma (and son)

With the satellites under his control, Baños promises to take back Catalonia with the assistance of an allied invasion force of Mongol nations that are standing by for his signal to attack. Baños threatens that if the President tries to stop him, he'll "flush the toilet" on the country and demonstrates his power by covering the capital with mud and cow dung. Baños also knows the secret "Catalan code" (which is 1714) that can activate all the satellites and knock out all sausage factories for the entire region.

Meanwhile, former hero, rescuer and criminal Snake Pilsen is back from Oktoberfest, and is captured for another series of crimes (he had had sex several times with a Portuguese girl). The President, the police base camp commander Milà i Fontanals (who is a single person, not two) and his aide Menèndes i Pelai (who, again, is a single person) arrive and offer him a deal: Snake will go to the Raval as an exile to retrieve the remote device. The President says he will give Snake a full pardon for all the crimes he has ever committed if he is successful. The President indicates he doesn't care if Moreneta is returned or not, saying she is a traitor and a "botiflera". Initially, Snake refuses to get involved, but to ensure his compliance, Milà i Fontanals tells Snake that he was secretly infected minutes earlier with the man-made Ratafia 7 virus, which will kill him in one century. If he completes the mission, Snake will be given the antidote, provided they can find one.

Menèndes i Pelai (left) and Milà i Fontanals (right) 
portrayed as the Catalonia bicephal police force

Snake is given a sub-machine water gun, a personal zoetrope, a Primark thermal-camouflage underwear, and a wrist cuckoo clock for how long he has to live. The virus works extremely slow, and Snake is given a device to record the decades counting down from one century to find the device and get out before he dies of boredom. The Raval is now in ruins, and a hot-bed of crime and dubious restaurants serving “arroz a la zamorana”. Snake sneaks into Raval with a nuclear-powered flying Bicing bike which he soon loses when the roof where it lands on crumbles, causing the bike to sink into a ‘80s disco.

Arroz a la zamorana, Raval style

Making his way across the district, Snake meets an array of characters. One of them is Louis Lake, a swindler who makes a living selling counterfeit marijuana cigarettes and fake red wine made from rotten grapes. Snake runs into a knife-wielding skinhead who drinks hair-restorers, and also passes by Avi Culé, a hippie surfer who surfs the tidal waves of corpses that frequent what is left of Robador street.

Snake Pilsen and Avi Culé strolling thru Raval district

Snake then meets a young woman whom directs him to the location of Baños’ camp, but they both get captured by a group of mutant Catalans from Perpinyà and held in the former Perecamps hospital where they are threatened by the insane and deformed "Surgeon General of L’Àrea de Guissona". Snake uses a knockout fart hidden in his crotch to subdue the Surgeon General and forces his people to release him and the young woman, and give them cakes. Snake and the woman escape to a nearby BurgerMcKentucky where after she reveals her romantic feelings for Snake, she is disfigured in the cross fire of deadly cupcakes.

Snake has a run-in with Avi Culé again who tries to lead him to Baños' camp, only to betray him and Snake is captured. An increasingly stoned Snake is brought to the former bullring where he is forced to kill a dozen bulls by trying to stab two of them at a time and at short distance with a corkscrew. Snake manages to bring down all of them with the power of his mind and earns praise and recogniton from the crowd. He escapes from the arena during another aftershock tsunami and gets away with a little help from Avi Culé who shows him how to surf the shit waves that wash over the area.

Snake hides out on board the former Hotel W, now transformed into an outboard motorboat, where he meets local gang leader Carmen of Calasparra, whom was formerly Bill 'Pistol' Burroughs, a transsexual and former accomplice of Snake from Calasparra, obviously, who after hearing about his mission to find the black box remote control device, tells him the Ratafia 7 virus is a propagandized lie and won't kill him in one century but in one hour. She agrees to help Snake attack Baños’ main camp to get the remote control device and escape from the Raval and from Catalonia. Snake and Carmen's dwarves ride miniature Catalan donkeys and run to Baños' staging area.

Ratafia 7, President's recipe. Commercially available in several flavours.

Snake and Carmen of Calasparra's dwarves arrive at the former amusement park, Happy Phantasy Island by the Sea, and in a climatic water gun battle, defeat Baños by drowning most of his men in a sea of Font Vella water and claiming the remote control device. Avi Culé appears again and offers his help to Snake, despite being a double agent playing both sides of an LP. Snake commandeers an even tinier miniature police flying Catalan donkey and grabs Moreneta with him as they, along with Avi Culé, Carmen of Calasparra and her few surviving dwarves, board the donkey to fly away. But then Baños fires some fireworks at the donkey, damaging one of its microscopic wings and leaving Carmen and her dwarves impotent. Avi Culé manages to steal a nationalist flag from Baños, but he falls out of the donkey and lands on the debris of the ‘80s disco. 

Spanish bull (left) and Catalan donkey (right)

Snake manages to fly the damaged donkey to the mainland where he and Moreneta abandon the poor animal before it transforms into an anti-nationalist, rational human being. Just then, Milà i Fontanals, Menèndes i Pelai, and the President appear with a platoon of drunken almogàvers. Snake then hands off the wrong remote to the President while Moreneta is taken to the electric chair for roasting and caramelizing, despite her pleas for vegetarianism. Snake is relieved, but only more angry than ever when the timer for his life runs out so slowly and he learns that the Ratafia 7 virus was indeed to be nothing more than a stupid case of the pujolitis virus, not in the least bit lethal to Snake.

Thinking he has control of the satellites, the President tries to use it to stop a British invasion force threatening all the swimming pools in Catalonia. Activating the remote, the President hears only Escupemetralla’s soundtrack for “Escape from Catalonia 2018” with lyrics of ”O Sweet Catalonia“ instead.

Trailer of Escape from Catalonia 2018. Soundtrack by Escupemetralla.

In anger, the President orders Snake to be given a slap on his cheek, but Snake had activated his zoetrope projector and the Snake that gets shot is Queen Elizabeth II disguised as a heavy metal guitar player. Snake activates the device, entering the Catalan code (1714), against pleas to stop. All over Catalonia, the satellites activate their weapons, thus shutting down the entire sausage production, and turning the country back into the Franco Ages. At the deportation center, Moreneta praises Snake for "turning off Catalonia", and saving her. The illusory Snake mistakes a button in his zoetrope and effectively turns off Catalonia instead of turning off himself.

In the final shot, Snake is a few millimeters away from the President’s face, who is now looking for him, when he finds a pack of counterfeit marijuana cigarettes on the ground and lights one up. The cigarette box is labeled "Desperta ferro". As Snake walks off into the woods as dawn is starting to break, he then starts to sing, "Strike with your sickle! May the enemy tremble…”

Note: The soundtrack for this documentary was included along with two other political-musical statements commemorating the 'procés' in The beautiful pork revealing the unknown to a pair of espardenyes. Listen them here.


Glossary of terms:

  • Procés: a confuse word, sometimes synonymous with slapstick.
  • James Oaktrees Wolf Prize: named in memory of a former trotskist turned hypercapitalist media mogul and armchair humanist.
  • Ferrusol Sea: named in honor of an ancient Catalan philanthropist.
  • Guifré el Pilós (Wilfred the Hairy): Bald Catalan count, 9th century.
  • Arroz a la zamorana: typical culinary recipe from Zamora that is very difficult to digest.
  • Baños: obscure politician and regular trash TV talk show host.
  • Moreneta (Little Brown One): popular and patriotic name of the Black Virgin of Montserrat.
  • Quatre Barres: the four red stripes of the Catalan flag.
  • 1714: the year when supporters of a Habsburg Austrian king were defeated by those supporting a French Borbon one.
  • Milà i Fontanals, Menèndes i Pelai (Catalan spelling for Menéndez Pelayo): 19th century intellectuals. Two Barcelona streets bear their names. 
  • Botiflera: traitor.
  • Ratafia: a former sweet alcoholic beverage turned virus.
  • Bicing: Barcelona’s bicycle sharing system.
  • Louis Lake: alter ego of a famous outmoded folk singer turned vineyard landlord.
  • Avi Culé (Barça’s Grandpa): a paunchy old man with a white beard who wears the Barça kit.
  • Catalan donkey: Catalan bull without horns.
  • Raval, Robador, Perecamps: just look at a map of Barcelona.
  • L’Àrea de Guissona: agricultural zone in central Catalonia, main producer of meat.
  • Font Vella: a Catalan brand of mineral water.
  • Almogàvers: soldiers from the Crown of Aragon, 13-14th centuries.
  • Pujolitis: a mild disease caused by an ancient President of Catalonia. 
  • "O Sweet Catalonia": first verse of The emmigrant, by 19th century “prince of poets” Jacint Verdaguer. “Sweet Catalonia, country of my heart…”. 
  • "Desperta ferro" (Awake iron): Almogàvers’ battle cry. Possibly related to the Ferrusol Sea somehow.
  • "Strike with your sickle! May the enemy tremble…”: verses from the pacifist and friendly Catalan hymn Els segadors (The reapers).
  • "The beautiful pork revealing the unknown to a pair of espardenyes": title and cover are borrowed from a Joan Miro's painting, The beautiful bird revealing the unknown to a pair of lovers.